The perfect day (shallow edition)

Hopefully we all have different tastes, passions or dreams. For instance, I certainly do not get why people find Kim Kardashian attractive but that is another subject. Despite these differences, here is a kind of day that could make (almost) any female happy. We all deserve a bit of happiness in this sad sick stupid un-sensual world.

TB

1. You wake up surrounded by your favorite people (could be a friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a dog, your mom or dad -although the last one is a bit weird if you are older than 13 years old-.)

2. Breakfast is all served and looks like a Sofia Coppola’s movie, except that you won’t have any indigestion at the end of it.

3. No matter how long your bath is, you are not running late. On the street, a few people start to smile just by looking at your charisma and your natural beauty. You are so fresh. It is like you do not even try.

4. At work, your boss decides to give you a day off “because you did such a great job last week, you deserve a break. Here is a fund-raising we did in your honour *giving you a big amount of money* because we think you are a wonderful colleague”. Of course, you are a talented young woman.

5. Shopping is so boring, you decide to spend your money on Amazon (buying books makes you feel smart and today, you really intend to read them.) The rest of the raising goes to this accordionist that plays everyday in front of the Japanese restaurant you usually go for lunch. That makes you feel very proud.

6. You bump into your ex. Depending on your experience and personality, you have two options: he became fat and ugly and that makes you feel good. He is still hot but you became even higher in the level of success and that makes you feel good.

7. Your phone rings. A famous publishing house finally wants to publish your memoirs. That was about time.

8. On your way home, you hear on the radio that it was just a myth: Heath Ledger is still alive.

9. and he is waiting for you in your living room (alone or with your friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/dog/mom/dad.) Do what you want with this information.

10. At the end of the day, you noticed you lost a few pounds / gained muscles (depending on your fitness goals) by smiling too much.

The best part? This was not just a dream.

TB1

Illustrations Tina Berning

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Things I miss… and things I don’t.

In 2014, I had the chance to live in Paris and Geneva (which I did not talk about because Geneva, as beautiful as she is, is a quite boring city to live in). 2015 began in Germany, a country I always particularly cherished. As I did my Erasmus year in Germany a few years ago, I like to think I am pretty familiar with the German-way-of-life, although I am still amazed by it.

Today I wanted to share with you the few things I sometimes miss about France while living in Germany… and some things I really do not miss.

  • Things I miss

1) La “french” baguette. No surprise at all. One week ago, a friend of mine came and we wanted to eat a fatty-yet-yummy breakfast. I have to say, all these “brötchen” are damn good but a breakfast without a typical french baguette and some salted butter is like a life without love: empty in the belly.

2) The language. The language barrier exists. Do not get me wrong, I love hearing german (talking is a bit harder for me) and I do not miss that much french language. I would say I understand 80% of what I hear in my good days, but still. Usually, when I have something in my mind that I judge too hard to translate and to say, I prefer not to say anything, which can be quite frustrating.

3) Private jokes and cultural references. Now, these are things any expat can rely on. Each country and each generation have their own references, pop culture or not, and sometimes you can feel alone and misunderstood when there is no way people are going to get the things you are talking about. I guess being a truly successfully expatriate would be to stop missing it in every conversation you have -and to embrace the cultural references of the country you now live in- and it surely takes some time. The cynical sense of humor is also very french but germans can have it as well, it depends on the people you are with. Anyway, “l’humour noir” is sometimes very depressing so I can live without it. A few days. If not, I would call a french friend to have a little bit of it.

4) Flirting. Even if I have a wonderful boyfriend and it does not bother me, it can be nice to feel seduced just for the conventional and funny act of it. Germany seems to be a not-so-passionate country and as a french friend of mine likes to repeat, “Eh ben les allemands c’est pas eux qu’ont inventé la passion…”. I am not sure I totally agree but it is not completely false neither… I guess about that, France has always been and always will be one of a kind. For good and for worse.

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  • Things I don’t miss

1) La baguette. In every day life, dark or cereals bread is so much better than white bread. My body feels a lot better since I stopped eating white bread to every meal. Germany makes the best bread ever and I am the happiest girl in the world. Also, Germans have bretzels and for that, I would never be grateful enough.

2) The beer prices. To give you an idea: 7 eur. for two pints in a pub, while it would be the price for one beer in Paris (although Paris is extrem, I concur).

3) Grouchy and angry people. The average normal boring french people usually are grumpy and always complaining about stuffs, even when we do not want to hear or care about. Germans are much more stoic and do not share their inner feelings so easily. In a way, I find them more respectful towards others but again, that is my opinion.

4) Flirting. French guys can be annoying. Really annoying. At the end, it is a 50/50 but let me tell you that somehow, I usually feel better when I am in Germany. Could it be possible that I have found what Germans call my “Heimat” (the place you feel at home)? 

Trend: an history of “élégance” in pop culture

Dear Miley,

I wish you were born french. I would have been so proud to see that even in 2013, women still have a clue what “élégance” means.  It appears that style and class are now American things, too bad for us, french people. Anyway, today is all about you because you became the new role modele of every girl out there: let’s forget Beyonce, you are so much more classier than she is.

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Credit Jen Lewis

Miley, you are such a woman. When you are twerking, I feel like God is speaking to me. It is a spitirual experience. Some people might not see that but I do: you are on earth to give a message. “Let’s stay classy” seem to scream your eyes and your tongue while you are twerking like crazy, “let’s stay classy, bitches!”. And we are all loving it, don’t we?

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Why people have to be so mean? Don’t you see she is just a new kind of messiah? She understands the 21th century: using the medias and creating a buzz is the best way to deliver a message. She is doing a self-sacrifice, who can blame her for that? I bet her next step is to write a thesis about how the world is a cruel place for women and how she sees herself as the voice of her generation.

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Miley inspired by the Christ

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You showed us that feminism was not dead: by embracing your sexuality and being shameless in front of the all world, we all finally understood that being a women was to expose ourselves wih male attributes (cf the fake hand held as a willy during the VMAs) and twerking with passion, because dignity is just a word and who cares about words? You have a fight to have and a lesson to give, you can not waste your time with thinking about what you are exactly doing. Lots of people respect you for the deep speech you are giving underneath the “show off” aspect of your performance, I tell you that.

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Dear Miley, you certainly are a new role modele. You are so inspiring and classy even half naked on stage, how do you do that? We have to move forward and realize that you are now an emancipate and mature grown up woman trying to break that image of a lovely and prude young little girl you were in Hannah Montana. Applause. Finally, we know people are not original: they are just doing exactly what your are doing (http://instagram.com/diplo#) but anyway, we all know you are The First and there is no need to say more. Well maybe there is.

If you are not Miley, please girls do not try to twerk. Please. I beg you.  twerktwerkIt is for your own safety, sanity and dignity. Thank you.

The perfect husband

Today is all about creating the dream husband we all wish for. We are going to give life to our perfect husband through characters from movies (you could also put Leonardo Dicaprios characters all in one, that will work). I wanted to make this clear : you are looking for a husband-for-life, not a boyfriend-for-fun. Let’s go!

First of all, you need a genuinely nice guy, with an inherent sense of morality and deep values. A good education is a plus. His style has to be casual, as you do not want your friends to think you are married to a clown. Someone like Joel in Eternal sunshine in a spotless mind.

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Let’s add some craziness. The problem with Joel is that he is a bit boring and we all know that women need some adventures in their life! Your husband has to be a romantic guy, a dreamer, a sensitive buddy inspired by your beauty and your beautiful soul. He will write poems about you, will cook sweet chocolate cookies for you, will take your hands in the streets just because it makes him happy like Tom in 500 Days of Summer. I know he is in a way sensible but love makes him do spontaneous things and that is all you need to know.

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Then of course, your husband has to be smart. I mean, really smart. Not a “I have a degree” smart but more a “I have a PhD and was able to speak before I was one year old” smart. A man like John in A Beautiful Mind should be good to shine in society.

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Intelligence is ok, but you need to feel you are protected by your man, right? That is why your husband needs to be strong and ready to fight for you. The world is a dangerous place and he should be able to make you feel that “everything is gonna be alright” and that nothing is going to happen to you, because he will always be there, no matter what. A real man full of virility, a G.I, a Gerry in World war Z.

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Adventures are good but not everyday. That is, if you plan to have a quiet family week-end in a cottage, your husband needs to know how to relax and do nothing but hanging around in pyjamas and eat ice cream on the couch. Laziness is quite enjoyable, specially if you are going to be together until the end of your existences. The Dude in Big Lebowski does the trick. According to the picture, he might go to the groceries without you, wich can be a very good point.

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Finally, what is life without sex? Your almost perfect husband should have a last great skill on his list : he has to be a good, a wonderful, a magnificent lover. I see only one guy to  embellish the picture : Brandon from Shame.

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I wish you all the best to find your perfect husband and in case you already found him, lucky you. I probably missed some skills, feel free to correct me and add some wonderful abilities to this list because we women are never satistied. Yeah!

PS1: I now speak for myself but a beard and nice hair are qualities to consider.

PS2: This is NOT a sarcastic post. I repeat, this is NOT a sarcastic post.